A Field of Flowers

I gave away the power of responsibility

Documents placing me guilty

I landed in an unexpected field of flowers

The soil was cold

Air reeked of putrid roots

Authoritative figures taking the place of black crows

Making rounds watering patches with scold

I squatted low to behold my surroundings

Hid my belongings so that they wouldn't resort in someones foundings

Finding reasons to examine every flower

I'm lost; I inwardly confess

So I exercise mental notations as my compass

I watched as swayed lillies, lilacs, and roses put on what seemed to be a parade

I interacted just to rid the charades

They all lacked fertilization

I should've brought oxygen just so they could keep their flowered state and

The more they swayed it was like I couldn't relate

So I went patch to patch

Each flower; I shook

Words trickled down stems somewhat formatted like hymns

It made me take a closer look

"My name is Lilly"

"How'd I get here"

"I was on my way to Philly when he..Well"

"He said I was plenty"

"My family got displaced, a hurricane, I know that they miss me"

"I had to pack light but a bible stays with me"

I took the leaf of a lilac

It was already purple and blue

It read "On my way here I bumped a couple of doors or two"

"Getting bruised and misused"

"To me it's nothing new"

"It feels good to take the anger out on other people"

"Counseling and church got suggested"

"But I can't remember the last time I even saw a steeple"

"My language is profane and my attitude is cold"

"The things I've been through I deserved it ten fold"

What really caught my attention was the rose

The sun hadn't been out but it's red hue was brightly exposed

Quiet was kept until it read

"I'll never regret the life that I've chosen to live"

"I finally realized that I didn't need to swallow the entire bottle of pills"

"And guy after guy was used just for the thrill"

"Now I'm stuck with this illness and my life hasn't been fulfilled"

"I have to remain medicated but can't hold down a meal"

"How did I get here you ask"

"I'll keep it real"

"I was in love with his unprotected sex"

"I'll admit that I remained blind due to the amount of his check"

"The results of my check-up wasn't what I expected"

"So I put flames to him inside my home"

"And my opportunities, goals, and aspirations; I just left it"

It took a minute for their situations to soak in

I re-evaluated my situation and how petty my tears have been

Those flowers fell victim to self enemy

So I felt as if I was placed in that field of flowers just to give a positive message

All the while, by the most high, my faith was being tested

I let each flower know that life doesn't have to end

But from that day forward, a new one should begin

I was a blessing to someone

And as for me, a clearer outlook on religion has just begun

-T.Vanderbilt

"Russian Roulette"

Lights off

Shadowed in the corner

I listened for the sound of the revolver

Over clouded thunder

Vibes were considered

Planted feelings got whispered

All the while, blossomed flowers withered

Animated tears suddenly fell like dominoed towers being misheard

Waiting for you to pull the trigger of bigger intentions

I allow you to navigate thru my mind

Conversion continues and later you remain in my mentions

So many options of dismissal

Goodbye forehead kisses sounding off like triggered pistols

Emptyness and prolonging

Knowingly, We're not belonging

Loving you can't interfere with my destiny

Pulling the trigger still won't let me rest in peace

I'm crazily infatuated with a fictitious enemy

I exercise feelings with freedom of speech

I stand with my back glued to the wall as my words to you get impeached

Let me bleed out from this bullet; Please

Arrested with this cardiac

Chest pounding

My heart you've attacked

From triggered moments of mourning

As your stiffened face reacts to the ring

(Pow)

I instantly fall to my knees

"I Guess I'll See You Next Lifetime"

In my head chanting instrumentally

As the saga unfolds

You plant one last forehead kiss as I'm dismissed

While my eyes sluggishly close

-T. Vanderbilt

"Lies"

I try not to give you words and emotions that symbolizes

Once again nothing

Something in me gravitates toward loving and giving everything

I fight with myself against gravity and it's bullying me to just remain selfish and free

My actions are questionable

My thoughts of escaping remain mental

I love harder just to disregard my shallow reflexes

My stresses cancel out my caresses

I’m suited with honest lies

And you I've recruited in hopes you'd fall in love and comply

Forgive me for my bastard mind

I've executed every attempt to exempt my personal guilt

I'm trained to throw around I love you's connected to pain

I go insane trapped inside my own existence with no one to explain

It, has nothing to do with this perfect canvas painted up and down by lies that you see

I saw something in me that I’m so good at, tres times 3

Think twice before you analyze me as “Mrs. Messed Up”

Admirably I’m one of the chicks you’d wife up

Letting you in just to let it all out

Maybe I F’d up

My little secret; I just filled you in

You love me

I love you too

I’ll continue to pretend

-T. Vanderbilt

"HE DOES NOT EXIST"

Skintone embellished in black
Initial of his first name curved so strong
Facial structure carrying its own backbone
Every vein in his forearm describing his struggle
Shoulders equipped with knowledge and power and work ethic
Across his back branded is "I Belong"
When he walks its as if he's stepping because he's in a frat
Along with his every step my hips salsa into a dance routine like "Boom Boom Kack"
Aware of but not concerned with politics and presidential puppets
He tells me "God Is" and family is apart of his religion
When he says his grace
Palms are faced upward
Eyes are planted toward eternity
Intellectual guidelines and wisdom of how to manage life that his dad instilled in him
He shares with me
And I express to him everything about the absence of my father that I'm lacking
Uncertain of his actions I convert back to my shell
Before I get comfortable within the darkness, the loneliness, the insecurities
Again he's there
With bravado in his voice he declares me to remain his warrior queen
And to understand when he's mean
And to have his back if jobs he's in between
Because for my love he's the synonym of a fiend
The thought of patience
To him I wanna bring
My willingness to give
To nurture
He sees it in me
My truth
My light
He sees in me times three
Not only is he my best friend
And a fan of my poetry
He's C.E.O. of me
Explaining all of this as I remain planted Indian style in the pit of his chest
With his right hand over my left breast
Grasping my heart as it beats
I'm his solution for not converting back to the streets
We're musically connected to the E.Badu's, the Commons, the Floetry's, Talibs, Lauryns, the Roots
Despite controversial enigma's and divergence of opinions
With dirt in our closets; We plant our own roots
Together our existence is one of the most highs greatest inventions
I'm no longer concerned with the materialistic wedding ring
We grasp each others hands and we possess unity, arguments, nicknames, pain, stability
Willing to grow together
He bathes away my imperfections with Agape
Never will he say "I Couldn't"
The words "I Shouldn't" wouldn't follow with black eyes and bruises from five fingers balled into a fist
Sharing the rest of my life with him I could
Maybe I should
And I probably would
But "He Does Not Exist"
               

 -T. Vanderbilt

"8 Yrs"

Dangerous you are
Untouchable in a sense
You intentionally let me capture your all
But continuously conceal your heart with a pad locked defense
I'm always overwhelmed by your presence,The ora that you bring
Understand that the blazes behind your eyes are unyieldingly piercing
You have my thoughts all over the place
Thoughts of new adventures and positions for our next embrace
Our encounter could've ended as just a fling
After 8yrs amazingly you still arouse my...Everything
This thing is so powerful
Total strangers see us together and feel the need to sing
You see we have this mechanism
We're like grooved wheels and roped machines called pulleys
My heart pulls you
Your heart pulls for me
Baby we, we turn dilapidated buildings into businesses
Dirt roads into pavement
Immodest sex into art
We, we make excitement turn into ignite...It
Has me thinking baby
Maybe you are that opposite sex being
Like a better half
When we're around each other we live, we laugh, we love
8yrs we've went with no glove
Towards anyone I've never given away this amount of trust
Matter of fact
It never matters where we are
Nothing planned
We just let it happen
This attraction
This passion
My appreciation
I love you
This is my dedication
To you, for being here, being there
It's like I never left, Never leaving you
You have me feeling like a school girl
Damn your so cool
My visions of us are far from "Just Friends"
A title for 8yrs I've had to pretend
No matter the outcome
My heart; It'll mend
I'll still remain and you'll gain
A true best friend

"The Unborn"

Days began just as nights ended
The conviction of slowing down
I'd always envisioned
After partying and drinking
I can recall the men along with women who've penetrated my mind intensely
As i become sober
I'm feeling tired, nauseous, stomach uneasy
I realize that I'm left with an unborn seed thinking
Not being mentally stable, feeding another person, I was merely able
I couldn't endure being financially adjusted
Along with morning sickness, I was disgusted
Concealing the truth of what i thought needed to happen
Took a toll on relationships
And my secret begun to have its own cabin
I hid pain and anger through laughter
As time ran out
My secret grew a little bigger
Going into the clinic with a hat and big shades would have to be my identity i figured
Nervously I await my name to be called
Looking around with my head down
Hoping no one noticed me from church nor the mall
Me being in this predicament
I wondered if this was God's way of life's punishment
As the meds ran through my body
I stumbled as I walked
Running into his wife with the same gown as I
"We're here for the same reason" as i thought
Laying in front of three nurses, one doc
I squeeze a hand and watch the time pass on a mounted clock
My body goes numb while thoughts of me ridding this black woman deteriorates my mind
Surrounded and protected by a family full of intelligent men
Boy would she have been one of a kind
My decisions on how to go through life would've had to change
My actions as a mother, to her, i would've had to explain
Years have passed and I continue to endure the pain
Four hundred and thirty-six dollars
I've used in vain
My knees are bruised from asking God for forgiveness
Praying that he has mercy upon my soul
Because it's only "Me" that I blame

"Imgination"

"IMAGINATION"

I'm aiming to be apart of your anything
Your empire
Let's take each other higher
Setting ideas on fire
The anticipation
I'm ready to collide universes
Ready to build a nation
My indication
Pure imagination overflows with enjoy
Lacking the sound of each others voice
We have this deep sea of connection
Beginning a pathway to somewhat perfection
I pause after proceeding to give your tongue an erection
Thousands of miles away
Sometimes I feel like blowing up
Even giving up
Not seeing you gets unbearable to do
The beauty is that from a distance its still things we go through
Astonishing I touch myself and I feel as though its you
On a daily its so much that we share
Our lives, childhood situations, our educated opinions
Something connects; Transpires even
It inspires us to care
We're free to engage
Enact
We're able to nurture this feeling
It deserves no explanation
One day our love will be so humongous
We'll be able to extend it over a plantation
Prepare yourself to run with our imaginations
Through lillies and daisies and Chrysanthemums
I pray that we make it
Your mind and loyalty of attentiveness
In the future our attachment will be evolved with less stress
Our continuing conversion
Bravo; I'm impressed
You being Capricorn; And I Scorpio
I'm stimulated by our progress
I just wanna be there
Let's receive time and patience
With my heart I observe
More so I preserve
I wanna take time and into the future, with you, Just let me stare
I admit I've caught reserved feelings
It's up to you to sit in this reserved seat
With our imagination; Lets start building