Dear Daddy

"Dear Daddy"


I often wonder how life would've felt to have had a dad
Under certain circumstances I lie to myself and say "Without u wasn't so bad"
Did you forget that i was your responsibility
Or maybe you just disregarded it with the drugs that I used to see
I hope you've finally stopped putting the blame on mom
She's the one who had to put up with your late night yelling and belligerent antics
How could you expect her to remain calm
You'll be surprised of how wise little girls are to their dads actions
Were you never aware that everything you said and did was my main attraction
Daddy I remember the few of our fun times
Like how you taught me how to "Electric Slide"
With my tiny feet on yours
You were my guide
We would even play hookey from Headstart
You would tell me that you knew I could keep a secret because of how I was so smart
I felt as if we were Bonnie and Clyde
Now that I'm older
What's keeping me from calling you
I think it's my pride
Daddy, what happened to you teaching me how to defend myself
What happened to you teaching me how to change my first tire
Taking me on camping trips and in the woods show me how to start my first fire
I needed you to be there to turn my first date around
I wanted you to see that he wasn't good enough for your baby girl and that he really was a clown
Daddy, how was i suppose to have respect or know what to expect from a man
The only option I had was to watch mom and my sister try it again and again
I sit and reminisce
Trying to wash away memories along with what's left of your presence
Daddy is the only man girls have faith in besides God
So I try to wash the word "Daddy" away with three more alcoholic beverages labeled Cape Cod
It's been plenty of times where half of my heart wanted to stop loving you
Often I tell myself you loved me enough to let me go too
I should've lifted YOU up
I should've said Dad YOU are, and YOU can, transform into a well respected Father just like any other man
I wish i would've taken you by the hand
Watched you as you grew
Taught YOU wrong from right
And everywhere I'd planned to travel
You'd sit beside me on that flight
Daddy we could've, erased each others tear lines from misguided, miscalculated, misconstrued, misjudged situations and relationships
That would've been a start
We could've, healed each other while removing debris from each other's broken hearts
Daddy don't think for a second that your absence has hindered me from learning how to manage money, raise your grand kids, love and respect myself, nor from continuing school
During my busy, yet sometimes hectic day i still find myself praying for you
I've also messed up along the way but haven't given up cowardly
With all my flaws Dad I'm continuously embraced by my loving family
I WILL remain a strong willed black woman with a thought out plan
A plan to teach my sons the definition of a real man
I'll continue my journey without you
I know i wont see you soon
But I pray you're alive to witness
The daughter you've abandoned become one of the few black women who become Anesthesiologists

- I Love You